Something I need to say

I started this as a poem on the 26th of October 2010, as a reflection of the emptiness and abandonment I felt in the wake of someone who used to be my closest friend who decided that she no longer saw my friendship as viable. The first draft was completed on the following day, 27th of October, and now I leave it for a week or so, letting the ideas solidify in my mind and giving my head some fresh perspective and insight before I do my first revision. For now, this is a collection of ideas and not even remotely close to a completed work, and I will be continuing to work on it for several more weeks, but the words need to be said, and since this is my only forum, read it and comment… It is mostly in the format of a letter to this person who left me.

I used to know the sound of your smile, the colour of your laughter and the texture of your closeness. I used to be able to tell you everything, without censor, without fear, without judgement, holding back nothing, hiding nothing, completely open and honest. I used to be able to be myself only when I was around you, and only when no-one else was close enough to see, hear or know, but you took that away from me when I needed it most, when my life came crumbling down, you ran away, taking with you the solace, comfort and love that I needed to see me through one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. When I needed diversion, something or someone to take my mind off the things that were happening in my life, or your optimistic happiness, your undeniable fearlessness, you decided that I was no longer worthy of your friendship. I needed your ears to scream in, your shoulder to cry on and your soothing words to still the anger, fear, insecurity I felt, to soothe my breaking heart.

I resolved to go it alone, to build a new life, and as I poured the foundations of this new life, I needed your opinions, your conviction and your faith. But since you weren’t there, I had to find my own, and learn to trust in my own abilities and judgement, to struggle my way forward through the darkness until I had something to build on.

When I needed to erect the walls of this new life, to lay the bricks one atop the other, it was through my sweat, my toil, my arduous labor that I did it, not with the help of those who were my friends, because you took them with you. When I tried to fix things between us, you refused to hear my side of what happened and why, so I finally gave up, and in the process, I discovered what friendship means, and who really were my friends.

When I started to build the roof of my new life, and needed the comfort of your proximity to help keep up the trusses, your insight and your ever-present smile to be the nails that held the trusses together, I learnt that I could never rely on you again. And without you, found a way to keep things from falling apart.

Now that my life has been rebuilt, I have resolved to keep weeding the garden, ensuring that false friends with empty promises never again infect my life. But as a result of your betrayal, I can’t grow new flowers, find new friends, because I cannot trust them. For years I had walked a fine line, trying not to fall to the disastrous depths of cynicism, but despite my attempts, it turns out all that was keeping me on the tightrope was you, and when you failed me, nothing held me back.

Because of you, I will probably never trust anyone again, and while I manage a good job of hiding it from most people, I know what damage has been done, and that I will never be the same again.

I do not hate you, I do not blame you. You acted out of self-interest, while you hid it behind “protecting your friends”. Well, I am lucky that I no longer count me among their number. I have seen you for who you are, and now that I have, I have moved on. I managed to rebuild my life now, and while my little house might not be the building it once was, but it’s my life, and I count myself lucky. There are people that I can rely on, and people that I need in my life. These people are the people who saw through all my bullshit, and knew the real me from the beginning, the people that I needed from the start. My experiences with you were an expensive lesson in life, but one that I am glad to now say that I have made my own.

For those who stuck around, and helped me find out who my true friends are, thank you. You are who I needed all along. And for those who think they know me, good luck, the bridge has been drawn and one of the things that I have learnt, thanks to you, is that second chances, don’t exist.

Well, that’s me, done venting for now, I really needed to get that out.


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